Lost Souls Reaching
by Wootmeister
Summary: An AU scene from The Last Man. McShep, McKeller, Carter/Keller mentioned


This is an AU missing scene from "The Last Man". I loved the episode, but wanted at least some of the characters to have an ending that wasn't quite so final. Plus, this way Rodney is given some hope to help him through the years.

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Lost Souls Reaching

Jennifer winced as she shifted position on the hard hospital bed. She hated the nights. The days were bad, but then Rodney would come, she could be distracted and not left to her thoughts. But at night she was alone with her memories and regrets. She hated not being able to lose herself in work to hide the pain. She hated causing Rodney more pain and she hated wishing that the pain would end. Her mind drifted back as it so often did now, sifting through moments from the past. Her parents, home and work featured, but most were from Atlantis. The good memories mixed with the bad, the recent painful ones the most vivid. Remembering, she let out a gentle sigh. After John had been lost Rodney had been broken, as if he was missing something vital. Then the gradual decay of the Atlantis he had known, the deaths of his team, one by one. And then Sam....Jennifer was one of the few people left who could come close to comprehending his emotions. Dealing with her own grief and feelings of inadequacy she had lent on him as much as he had on her. And, in a way, it worked. They could both manage to carry on, and often even be happy, whilst never forgetting or being forced to let go.

Twisting restlessly and trying to shake off the morbid thoughts that haunted her, Jennifer suddenly had a strong sense of familiarity. A little like an emotional déjà vu. It was the feeling she had when she used to talk through her day with Sam and Teyla, drinking cups of Athosian tea. The feeling she got when Sam would come to her office at the end of her shift to check on her and exchange a few words on the days their schedules didn't match. That feeling she cherished, standing out on one of the many balconies of Atlantis with her face turned to the stars and her partner next to her. Subtle strength and safety, feelings she had long associated with the blond colonel. Closing her eyes wearily, she wished for sleep and less disturbing dreams, before flinching at the sudden bright light that filled the room briefly and penetrated her eyelids.

"God, I hate these drugs" she muttered under her breath

"Why? Haven't they got you on the good stuff?" A low, amused voice came from the corner.

"They must do" Jennifer replied after a moment, "I'm hearing you, aren't I?"

"Hmm, not the drugs this time. I'm here. Are you going to open your eyes or just stay like that?"

"No, I'm ok like this."

"Why?"

"Because like this I can keep pretending that you're here. This is a nicer hallucination than usual. You're alive for one thing. I'm gonna enjoy that for as long as I can."

"Jen..." the exhausted woman heard footsteps and felt the air move slightly. A gentle, but very solid hand took hers. "I really am here."

Unable to stop herself Jennifer opened her eyes, to meet the vivid blue gaze of Samantha Carter. Who had died. Deep in space. Alone.

"How?" She whispered, her eyes never leaving the blond woman, taking in every feature. The pale shirt and trousers, the reduction in the tension in her expression since the last time they had been face to face. The warm, comforting and so lifelike hand.

"I ascended." Sam said simply, sitting back on the visitor's chair, head slightly cocked to one side as she gauged Jennifer's reaction. The former CMO shook her head slowly as she tried to take it in.

"You didn't come and visit?" she said after a while, and a sad expression flashed across Sam's face.

"I couldn't. You were happy...."

"Happy?" Jennifer broke in with a cough,

"You were happier living a full life with Rodney than you could ever have been whilst knowing about me. I couldn't stay, so I wouldn't add to your pain by just dropping by then leaving again. I couldn't do that to you. Not again."

"That's what you thought, was it? That way was best?" She didn't even try to hide the bitterness in her voice.

"Yes" Sam replied simply, "for both of you."

There was a moments quiet as Jennifer lay back, energy drained by the events. Sam sat quietly, her thumb rubbing small circles on the hand she still held. She knew how sick the other woman was, but even so it hurt to see how different this Jennifer was from the genius doctor she had left on Atlantis. Gone was the bright interest in people, the drive to understand and succeed in helping them. In their place was weariness and resignation. The life was leaving her, and it made Sam want to scream, to hunt down those responsible and make them hurt like Jen was hurting. Like she was hurting. But the Hoffens were long gone, having also paid the ultimate price for the failed drug, and Michael...Michael was untouchable now. Controlling her feelings, she gently pushed a strand of hair out of Jennifer's face. Rousing slightly Jen gave her a small smile.

"Sorry" she said, her voice raspy.

"Me too" Sam's voice was quiet, deep with emotion.

"So what's it like? You know, being ascended?"

Sam met the smaller woman's gaze, taking in the tired lines of her face and the pain and longing for freedom in her eyes.

"I can show you if you like?"

"Sharing?" Sam nodded and Jennifer agreed without hesitation.

"Ok...I haven't actually done it from this end before" Sam breathed, standing up.

"I should hope not" Jennifer answered with the ghost of a grin.

Returning the smile, Sam gently cupped Jen's pale face with her hands, softly rubbing her thumbs over the dark bags under her eyes. She lent forwards until their foreheads touched, and concentrated.

.......................................................................................................................

Jennifer didn't remember falling asleep, didn't remember dreaming and didn't remember Sam leaving. However, as the familiar feeling still comforted her, she guessed Sam hadn't gone far. Rodney was slouched in the visitor's chair, looking as though he had been there quite a while. His face brightened when he saw that she was awake.

"Morning" he said making an effort to sound positive.

"Hey" she replied in a scratchy voice.

With unusual tact Rodney refrained from discussing his plans to fix the reality by finding where and when John had been sent. He remembered how much it bothered her to know that he would never be able to settle after she was gone, and she really didn't look up to another attempt at talking him out of it. Although, she did seem different today when he concentrated on her face. Less resigned somehow, and more comfortable.

"Did you have a better night?" he asked

"I must have. I don't really remember much of it, which makes a nice change." She paused, as much to catch her breath as to consider what to say next. "Sam came." _May as well be blunt about it_ she thought wryly, watching a whole host of emotions cross Rodney's face.

"Ummm...what do you mean Sam came? You dreamed about her?"

"No, she was here. She ascended after the phoenix disaster. Came to visit."

"She ascended?" Rodney's voice was a mixture of joy and disbelief.

"Yep. She's waiting." Jennifer had to stop, exhausted by the conversation.

"Waiting?" Rodney mused quietly, not really sure that he wanted his thoughts confirmed.

Not opening her eyes Jennifer answered him in a tired whisper "I'm not going to get better. I know it, my doctors know it, Sam knows it and deep down you know it."

"You're not giving up?" his plea tore at her heart.

"No. Being realistic. Facing it is not a bad thing. I'm not ending here, Rodney." He gripped her hand tightly, tears starting to fall as he was finally forced to face the reality of losing one of the last people he cared about.

A gentle glow that brightened into a sudden light flashed in the corner. Sam stood back, giving Rodney his space. Watching her friend suffer she felt a moment's sympathy for Daniel, who had seen much worse during his time as an ascended being. It was only now that she began to understand his frustration at being unable to help all his friends.

Rodney became aware of her presence after a few minutes, and turned anguished eyes to her. Moving over to the bed she paused and rested her hand on his shoulder.

"You will find him again" she said, her voice so warm and sure that he took comfort from it even before her meaning sunk into his consciousness.

At the sound of her words Jennifer opened her eyes, meeting Sam's gaze before turning to Rodney. She squeezed his hand gently, and then accepted the one that Sam offered to her. Sam looked directly at Rodney, sympathy and affection clear on her face, before raising her free hand in farewell. Soft white tendrils of light wrapped around the two women, and then they were gone. Rodney slumped back down, alone in the room.

"You will find him again." Her words echoed in his ears as he stared at the empty bed.


End file.
